Question
Have you ever wanted to change, in perhaps several ways, and just didn’t know where to start?
Feb 25
The apocalypse of Adrian Reinhardt.
Hunger has resurfaced.
I can’t let it go. This is Adrian’s story.
As I said back in December, what I’m writing is intended to be his journal of how he got where he is, the struggle he’s had dealing with the aftermath, his dealings with friends and family both before and after the attack. I’ve been plagued with second thoughts about whether I should write it in the first place since then. My intent, my original thought when I came up with this idea, was that through Adrian’s eyes, I would imagine how I might respond to being raped.
(Also: Hunger is NOT slash. I’m not homophobic — if you’re homosexual, may God bless you, and more power to you — but I don’t find guy-on-guy hot. I reiterate because intent can be overlooked, ignored, and/or misunderstood.)
My second thoughts about writing are gone now.
Earlier this week, I had an email exchange with the director of the GaDuGi SafeCenter here in Lawrence about writing this story. She responded with a suggestion for a dedication, and offered to send my concerns on to a friend of hers who is also a writer. Her friend said that in her opinion, I shouldn’t second-guess myself too much while exploring the emotional truths of the situation.
Neither woman gave any hint in her response that I should give up and not write this story.
And so, bolstered by this, and my own desire to continue writing it, to finish Adrian’s story, in the hopes that someday it might encourage someone to seek help, I am going to finish Hunger. However, the story has a new title: The Apocalypse of Adrian Reinhardt. TAOAR for short.
Why apocalypse?
From Dictionary.com:
3. a prophetic revelation, especially concerning a cataclysm in which the forces of good permanently triumph over the forces of evil.
4. any revelation or prophecy.
5. any universal or widespread destruction or disaster: the apocalypse of nuclear war.
Adrian’s rape is the “widespread destruction” of the fifth definition, as it destroys the way he views and interacts with the world. However, it’s also the cataclysm of the third, in which good (hope, faith, family, friends, therapy) triumphs over evil (pain, fear, etc.). Finally, as he’s recovering in the hospital, he has a few revelations about how his life has gotten to where it is, and what he can do to make it better.
It’s going to take me a while longer to finish — currently I’m up to 4,800 words, with no idea how many more will come.
But it will be written. Adrian has a home again. And hopefully, when it’s done, his story might bring encouragement to others.
I hope.
Incidentally, anyone in Douglas County or Jefferson County here in Kansas who needs help, seek out GaDuGi. They’re good people, and they’re there to help. If you don’t need the center’s services, then please donate.
God bless you all!
Feb 1
Analyzing my desktop backgrounds
Odd thought experiment-like idea came to me yesterday: What does my collection of desktop backgrounds say about me?
Please let me know your thoughts!
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Found on: Wallpaper Pimper, wallpaper-s.org, and Widescreen HD Wallpaper.
From out of the (writing) past…
I went looking through my folder of old story ideas, and I found a story I started back in 2001, and last updated in 2006. It’s a strange story, set in modern day, about a mysterious man named Evan who finds himself at the center of a “Brave New World/Manchurian Candidate” plot.
Why am I bringing this up? I realized that by the time I gave the story up, I’d written 35,000+ words. I’m not very far from 50,000, what’s considered novel length by NaNoWriMo. I could probably finish it within a week! The boost of confidence (as in, “Look, I can finish a book!”) might then help me in following other projects through to the end.
I could use that confidence with my other ideas, definitely. Hunger and Red Sand have stalled. I think Hunger is dead in the water after Chris and I discussed Adrian’s fate. I can’t do that to anyone, even in fiction. Just…no. It’s horrible enough that it happens in real life to go around inventing new victims.
So yet again, Adrian is without a home. At the moment, however, a version of him exists in a d20 Modern game Chris and I are running together to pass the time, and in that game, he’s fairly happy. Mutated, a la the X-Men, thanks to experimental drug therapy for a genetic disorder, but happy. He’s even about to be married. Granted, he’s a recovered alcoholic and suffers from chronic depression, but he’s getting treatment for that, and most of his demons are buried.
I could try to write that story, except for one problem. I don’t think I could take it, or myself, seriously writing it, what with the mutation angle. It’s a fun game, certainly; I’m having a lot of fun with it. But writing it, as something I would then show to other people, that I don’t think I could do.
So now I’m stuck. I want to write something where the good guy wins, if anything to combat the movies I regularly watch. I like horror movies, and I’m a genius at choosing films in which after roughly 80 minutes of battling whatever the evil is, the heroes go relax, only to have either an epilogue or some other final shot in which it’s apparent that everyone is still doomed. I’m getting really tired of that.
I suppose I could try my hand at horror… Poor Adrian.
But first, I should try to finally put Evan to rest, and finish his odd little story. I need the boost.
On resolutions, and writing.
Normally, when a new year begins, I have come up with a list of resolutions. Most of my resolutions make appearances year after year, such as losing weight, finishing my latest writing project, getting such and such organized, etc. In years past, the list has been long.
This year, I’ve narrowed it down to two: “Reduce the waistline, and build up the bottom line.”
Pretty simple. Lose at least some weight — I’m tired of setting numerical goals; they only stress me — and end the year with more money set aside for emergencies and savings than I have now. I can accomplish those.
As for my writing…
Getting Hammered, the book, is doing well. I think I might set a goal of finishing one section a month. If I do that, by the end of this year, I’d have 19 completed chapters. Not bad! By then, I’m certain to have come up with new observations. Will Getting Hammered ever end? At the rate I’m going, if I ever publish it, I think new editions (“Now with even more stuff!”) will be required every so often.
Hunger and Red Sand, on the other, hand…
I’ll have to get back to you on this one, Dear Reader.
Hypocrisy
Now that my chapter on distractions is done, I’m thinking about moving on to a big can of worms: Christian hypocrisy.
Any suggestions out there on what I should address in this section (tentatively titled “Jesus He Knows Me” — after the Genesis song)? Being blind to your own sins is very easy, and I don’t want to leave anything out. So please let me know what you’ve seen, experienced, thought and felt.
Getting Hammered: Goodbye, Lasairian
None of us are frozen in time. We are always growing, changing, learning from our experiences. Some habits, views, philosophies, may crystallize, but overall, life is change.
So why should a character, from a movie, book, or game, be so frozen?
Adrian Reinhardt, as I’ll talk about elsewhere, is a man in near-constant flux. My oldest literary creation has gotten older, younger, been married, divorced, widowed, a murderer, rape survivor, and possibly other things. He’s human.
Lasairian isn’t, but he can change as well. I think he should, too. He seems to have stuck.
When I made him years ago, he was just a character for a game. He was a ringer, an intended spy, who morphed into a Christian evangelist who defied expectations, including mine. He traveled around encouraging others to change, to grow. Since that time, though, as he’s taken up residence inside my head, his form, abilities and outlook have remained static. He still glows; he still dresses like a monk; he still has his impressive track record from the game — preaching, starting an entirely new branch of Christianity, developing a powerful spell, and healing others with a touch.
He’s intimidating, and that works against his current position as the avatar of my aspirations. He’s who I picture when I think about what I can do in the world. An avatar who makes you feel bad about yourself does not help when you’re looking for inspiration.
Playing Lasairian encouraged me to look deeper at my own faith, to examine it and how my life is. Playing him helped inspire me to write Getting Hammered. But now I think it’s time for him to go.
That’s the change.
Dec 16
Where’s the line?
When I first started writing, I was told, “Write what you know.” It’s good advice, up to a point. For instance, writing what you know allows you to hone your style, sound, etc., while providing you with a ready-made supply of stories – those from your own life.
However, I run out of truly interesting material quickly. Writing what you know works best when what you know is fascinating, or at least exciting, such as crime. I work at a call center.
Thus, I cast my imagination out into unknown waters, and I come up with all manner of ideas, most of which don’t mirror my own life in the slightest. (It helps that I read a lot of horror.) But one of the ideas I have, and am working on, concerns a horrific act that’s never occurred to me, but has to far too many others. Too many in this instance being anyone at all.
I’m talking about rape.
Adrian, the main/POV character in Hunger, when the story begins, is recuperating in a hospital from self-inflicted injuries brought on by his trouble recuperating from being raped by a male acquaintance. Hunger is intended to be his journal of how he got where he is, the struggle he’s had dealing with the aftermath, his dealings with friends and family both before and after.
To me, this has enough danger of veering into “creepy white girl writing slash fanfiction” that I can almost visualize the warning sign.
Thanks to box-in-the-box, Avalon’s Willow, neo-prodigy, and Ami Angelwings, I’ve learned about white privilege and its many forms/permutations, including how it comes across in media. (Recommended: This explanation.) My lack of knowledge about race (and age/gender/sex/ability) issues is profound enough that I know I shouldn’t say anything until I do a tremendous amount of reading and listening – so if you need me, I’ll be at the library, and lurking in forums.
What I found easier to grasp, perhaps because I’m a writer, is the danger and awfulness of appropriating other people’s experiences, especially if your own frame of reference is notably different. Writing about people notably different from yourself, while it can be done (provided research is done, and said characters are treated with respect and honor), it’s very easy to do wrong, and hurt and anger real-life people, which I do not want to do.
Hence my current situation. I want to write Hunger, but I don’t want to hurt others. The quickest solution would be to not write it, but that (to me, anyway) would feel like I was shying away because a) I didn’t want people to be mad at me, and b) I was just lazy and didn’t want to do research and/or talk to any actual, real-life people.
So I pose this question to you, Greater Internet Community: Where’s the line? Where’s the line between expanding your horizons, learning about others, and then writing, and stealing other people’s lives?
What should I do?
Dec 13
The first six
As I’m about to finish another section of Getting Hammered, I decided I’d unlock the previous six completed sections that I posted here in June, so that you all can read, enjoy (and perhaps drop a comment or three), and see where I’m at spiritually/writing-wise.
