Life · Outlanders

Music jokes!

Disclaimer: I was in band (flute) from fifth grade through my junior year of college, and played piano from ages 8 to 16. My mom and sister are musicians and music teachers, and several other relatives are musically inclined. So I’m making fun of myself here, too.

  • How many trumpet players does it take to change a light bulb? Five. One to change the bulb, and four to tell him how much better they could have done it.
  • How many drummers does it take to change a light bulb? None. They have machines to do that.
  • How do you make a trombone sound like a French horn? Put your hand in the bell and miss a lot of notes.
  • How many French horn players does it take to change a light bulb? Just one, but he’ll spend two hours checking the bulb for leaks and alignment problems.
  • Definition of a gentleman: Someone who knows how to play the trombone, but doesn’t.
  • What’s the difference between a dead trombonist in the road and a dead country singer? The country singer may have been on their way to a gig.
  • What’s the range of a tuba? Twenty yard, if you have a good arm.
  • What do you call someone who hangs around musicians? A drummer.
  • What does a drummer say when he gets to his gig? “Would you like fries with that, sir?”
  • What did the drummer get on his IQ test? Drool.
  • How late does the band play? About half a beat behind the drummer.
  • Did you hear about the music student who was so dumb his teacher gave him two sticks and made him a drummer? He lost one, and became a conductor.
  • What’s the difference between a soprano and the PLO? You can negotiate with the PLO.
  • How many sopranos does it take to change a light bulb? One. She holds the bulb, and the world revolves around her.
  • What’s the difference between a cello and a coffin? A coffin has the corpse on the inside.
  • How do violists practice birth control? With their personalities.
  • Why do bagpipers walk when they play? To get away from the noise.
  • What do you get when you cross a French horn and a goalpost? A goalpost that can’t march.
  • How can you tell a violin is out of tune? The bow is moving.
  • How do you make a violin sound like a viola? Sit in the back and don’t play.
  • How do you know if a viola section is at your front door? No one knows when to come in.
  • What’s the difference between a cello and a viola? A cello burns longer.
  • Did you hear about the bass player who was so bad even his section noticed?
  • Why are orchestra intermissions limited to twenty minutes? So you don’t have to retrain the cellists.
  • What’s the difference between an onion and an oboe? People care if you cut up an onion.
  • What’s the difference between a dressmaker and a piccolo player? A dressmaker tucks up the frills.
  • What’s the definition of a minor second? Two flutes playing in unison.
  • How do you put down a saxophone? Call it a bassoon.
  • Why do clarinetists leave their cases on their dashboards? So they can park in the handicapped zones.
  • Definition of a nerd: Someone who owns his own alto sax.
  • How can you get two piccolo players to play in perfect unison? Shoot one.
  • What’s better than having two oboe players in the band? Having only one.
  • How many alto sax players does it take to change a light bulb? Five. One to change the bulb, and four to contemplate how David Sanborn would have done it.

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