I find this somewhat annoying. After this much work, all the thought and time expended, I find myself perhaps unwilling to continue small exorcisms.
For years I have suffered from tremendous anger, a poisonous cloudy ball in my soul that had no source, or at least none apparent to me. What do I have to be angry about? Good, solid home, loving family, a career and good health. And yet I get just as angry over trivial matters (this person in front of me at the store is SO SLOW!) as I do about actual problems (Syria, poverty, Donald Trump).
But why? Every time I asked myself where my anger — at times so strong and senseless I feared for myself and/or my children — where it comes from, I get nowhere.
Until this past Sunday and Monday.
While listening to the sermon, the sun shone directly on us through a stained glass window. I felt it as a hug, as though God was saying “I am here, and you are loved.”
On Monday, I finally decided to get help. I sent an email to a therapist I found here in Manhattan through the power of Google. Within an hour or so, I had an appointment set for mid-November.
Since then, much of my anger has lifted. I don’t feel as though I have a new outlook on life or any large issues, but I feel lighter in spirit. I’ve had an outburst or three since then, but I think I’m doing better, thanks to God’s hug and the knowledge that I’m going to get help.
As I said, though, this lightness in spirit has muffled my willingness to work on my novel. I can’t seem to work up the want to spend time with those characters. Not at the moment, anyway.
Yesterday, Azrael and Jordan watched several episodes of one of their favorite Netflix shows, Veggietales in the House. One episode, involving Laura Carrot and painting, Bob sang a song about how what we make can be pleasing to the Lord. This also made me pause and think about small exorcisms and it’s plot — how can a story involving kidnapping, revenge and torture be pleasing to the Lord?
Now that I think about it, the primary themes are forgiveness and how love for one another can redeem… Maybe it can be made pleasing after all!