I find this somewhat annoying. After this much work, all the thought and time expended, I find myself perhaps unwilling to continue small exorcisms.
For years I have suffered from tremendous anger, a poisonous cloudy ball in my soul that had no source, or at least none apparent to me. What do I have to be angry about? Good, solid home, loving family, a career and good health. And yet I get just as angry over trivial matters (this person in front of me at the store is SO SLOW!) as I do about actual problems (Syria, poverty, Donald Trump).
But why? Every time I asked myself where my anger — at times so strong and senseless I feared for myself and/or my children — where it comes from, I get nowhere.
Until this past Sunday and Monday.
While listening to the sermon, the sun shone directly on us through a stained glass window. I felt it as a hug, as though God was saying “I am here, and you are loved.”
On Monday, I finally decided to get help. I sent an email to a therapist I found here in Manhattan through the power of Google. Within an hour or so, I had an appointment set for mid-November.
Since then, much of my anger has lifted. I don’t feel as though I have a new outlook on life or any large issues, but I feel lighter in spirit. I’ve had an outburst or three since then, but I think I’m doing better, thanks to God’s hug and the knowledge that I’m going to get help.
As I said, though, this lightness in spirit has muffled my willingness to work on my novel. I can’t seem to work up the want to spend time with those characters. Not at the moment, anyway.
Yesterday, Azrael and Jordan watched several episodes of one of their favorite Netflix shows, Veggietales in the House. One episode, involving Laura Carrot and painting, Bob sang a song about how what we make can be pleasing to the Lord. This also made me pause and think about small exorcisms and it’s plot — how can a story involving kidnapping, revenge and torture be pleasing to the Lord?
Now that I think about it, the primary themes are forgiveness and how love for one another can redeem… Maybe it can be made pleasing after all!
We have been in Manhattan for a month, and life is going well. Azrael and Jordan have settled into their new school, Danica enjoys time with her new daycare lady, Chris is knocking ‘em dead at Dillons with his seafood manager skills.
As for myself, I am really enjoying my new position at Farm Bureau as a customer service representative. I was concerned for some time that I would regret taking this position, as I’ve had bad experience working at a call center before, but so far work is going well.
Our apartment is quite a bit smaller than our previous home, but we’re making it work, and making improvements through the property management company we’re renting from. Now that Danica sleeps on the bottom bunk of her and Jordan’s bunk bed, we don’t need to worry about room for the crib anymore. She is getting to be a big girl!
Azrael is in orchestra, playing the violin, and in choir. Jordan is in first grade, and while there are stumbling blocks (she’s, oh, a bit stubborn), she’s enjoying school.
Manhattan seems less hectic than Lawrence did. Perhaps it’s because it’s a smaller town, and more spread out. Perhaps it is me who is less hectic, less stressed. We’ve found a new church home, complete with hand bell choir and Stephen Ministry.
Life is good! Praise God!